on calculating the weight and mass of a mile

it's muggy enough in the apartment tonight that i am reminded of louisiana. outside it's raining a solid asian downpour, and i'm grateful that someone built a small lean-to with a tin roof right outside my window. i know i will sleep like a baby with this lullaby.

meanwhile, we're trying to eat healthy, so i'm fighting off the urge to cook and devour some potatoes right now. the refrigerator is out of order, so the rest of the groceries are unavailable... just some potatoes, some onions, lots of coffee and some spices to be had. there was a box of cereal, too- but the ants found that first. lucky bastards.

i've been terribly moody this week (thank you, kevin, for putting up with me so nicely). this situation- this living abroad thing- seems to hit me in waves. mostly, it's the size of the thing. some days i forget there's anything out of the ordinary in my life. just going to work, having dinner; the usual. then other days i realize the giant stretch of ocean and land that separates me and my last apartment, and a million other familiar things. how is it i wound up here, anyway? and where will i land next??

i've always envied those people who make decisions easily. they go to a restaurant and before they look at the menu they have some idea of what they'll be eating. they go to college and they have a plan of what to study. they graduate and begin pursuing some next step. whereas i seem more to rely on the weather to direct my steps. now, i'm not saying this doesn't work out well for me, in the end. but, man, i think it just must feel great to have some inkling of what you want before it falls into your lap.

nostalgia is a funny thing-

the details our brains choose to hold onto, the insignificant moments that never leave our memory banks... and the strip of wallpaper or the smell of a bubbling pot that suddenly transports you back to another lifetime.

my cousin dee ann has been struggling with a lung disease for a few years now, and had quite a scare with a pretty big infection recently. we're all excited to see her gaining strength by the day now- and it looks like she'll recover from this bout soon enough. hearing this news was one of those things that made the size of my move feel massive.

and anytime i picture her, her head is thrown back and she's laughing hard. she has stunning eyes... like her mother's, and her mother's sisters, and her mother's sister's daughter's, too.

another cousin whom i never got to meet passed away alone in a hotel room recently, much too young. he lived most of his life estranged from his father who wanted quite badly to be there for him, but for reasons out of his control, could not. my heart breaks for my uncle, and for his son. a good person and a loving father- this isn't the easiest thing to come by in life. i often wish that i could have grown up with this man closer by for guidance.

and every time i picture my uncle, he's wearing sunglasses and has a tan from working the boats, and he's taking me to the corner store for ice cream in his smart convertible. he is grinning, and saying wise, encouraging things to a very young me regarding one's general outlook on life; like, enjoy every minute, and, don't sweat the small stuff.

there are many reasons the distance can feel like pain. i have friends getting married and friends having babies and babies turning into children and looking and acting more and more like their parents. i have my own parents with new puppies, and my own pets out there living it up without me! i have people i love dearly going through tough times. for many, many reasons, my longing to be back in the states can be overwhelming some days.

but the other days, i am able to focus on my own present, and hopefully on my own future. granted, i might have to make some decisions for that to happen, but when the waves of nostalgia settle, i am able to think about where my travels might take me, and what opportunities may come from this new job.

i enjoy the crinkles by the eyes of the ajumas. i like shopping for fresh foods at the big market down the street.

i have made friends with some shopkeepers. yesterday, i was walking towards home after work and a neighborhood boy was kicking a soccer ball alone as the sun was setting. without words, still ahead a distance, he kicked the ball to me. i stopped it with my left foot, return kicked with the right. he smiled huge and caught the ball with both hands (guess he was playing goalie) and ran off down the road.

while at a friend's place, three kids with little instruments put on a parade for us, and then we had a water gun show down! i put my feet in a new river. i cheered for korea in the world cup.

i'm learning how to be a disciplinarian. i'm reading a decent book, and have another good one in line. i am a student again. i am not the best writer, and that's okay. i'm not the best musician and that's okay. i'm not the best artist and that's okay. i do these things because i want to... not for outside approval or votes.

life is so small, and so fast, and so incredible. it's supposed to be overwhelming. it's supposed to be elusive. it's supposed to hurt a little now and then.

and later, there will be papaya.