on calculating the weight and mass of a mile

it's muggy enough in the apartment tonight that i am reminded of louisiana. outside it's raining a solid asian downpour, and i'm grateful that someone built a small lean-to with a tin roof right outside my window. i know i will sleep like a baby with this lullaby.

meanwhile, we're trying to eat healthy, so i'm fighting off the urge to cook and devour some potatoes right now. the refrigerator is out of order, so the rest of the groceries are unavailable... just some potatoes, some onions, lots of coffee and some spices to be had. there was a box of cereal, too- but the ants found that first. lucky bastards.

i've been terribly moody this week (thank you, kevin, for putting up with me so nicely). this situation- this living abroad thing- seems to hit me in waves. mostly, it's the size of the thing. some days i forget there's anything out of the ordinary in my life. just going to work, having dinner; the usual. then other days i realize the giant stretch of ocean and land that separates me and my last apartment, and a million other familiar things. how is it i wound up here, anyway? and where will i land next??

i've always envied those people who make decisions easily. they go to a restaurant and before they look at the menu they have some idea of what they'll be eating. they go to college and they have a plan of what to study. they graduate and begin pursuing some next step. whereas i seem more to rely on the weather to direct my steps. now, i'm not saying this doesn't work out well for me, in the end. but, man, i think it just must feel great to have some inkling of what you want before it falls into your lap.

nostalgia is a funny thing-

the details our brains choose to hold onto, the insignificant moments that never leave our memory banks... and the strip of wallpaper or the smell of a bubbling pot that suddenly transports you back to another lifetime.

my cousin dee ann has been struggling with a lung disease for a few years now, and had quite a scare with a pretty big infection recently. we're all excited to see her gaining strength by the day now- and it looks like she'll recover from this bout soon enough. hearing this news was one of those things that made the size of my move feel massive.

and anytime i picture her, her head is thrown back and she's laughing hard. she has stunning eyes... like her mother's, and her mother's sisters, and her mother's sister's daughter's, too.

another cousin whom i never got to meet passed away alone in a hotel room recently, much too young. he lived most of his life estranged from his father who wanted quite badly to be there for him, but for reasons out of his control, could not. my heart breaks for my uncle, and for his son. a good person and a loving father- this isn't the easiest thing to come by in life. i often wish that i could have grown up with this man closer by for guidance.

and every time i picture my uncle, he's wearing sunglasses and has a tan from working the boats, and he's taking me to the corner store for ice cream in his smart convertible. he is grinning, and saying wise, encouraging things to a very young me regarding one's general outlook on life; like, enjoy every minute, and, don't sweat the small stuff.

there are many reasons the distance can feel like pain. i have friends getting married and friends having babies and babies turning into children and looking and acting more and more like their parents. i have my own parents with new puppies, and my own pets out there living it up without me! i have people i love dearly going through tough times. for many, many reasons, my longing to be back in the states can be overwhelming some days.

but the other days, i am able to focus on my own present, and hopefully on my own future. granted, i might have to make some decisions for that to happen, but when the waves of nostalgia settle, i am able to think about where my travels might take me, and what opportunities may come from this new job.

i enjoy the crinkles by the eyes of the ajumas. i like shopping for fresh foods at the big market down the street.

i have made friends with some shopkeepers. yesterday, i was walking towards home after work and a neighborhood boy was kicking a soccer ball alone as the sun was setting. without words, still ahead a distance, he kicked the ball to me. i stopped it with my left foot, return kicked with the right. he smiled huge and caught the ball with both hands (guess he was playing goalie) and ran off down the road.

while at a friend's place, three kids with little instruments put on a parade for us, and then we had a water gun show down! i put my feet in a new river. i cheered for korea in the world cup.

i'm learning how to be a disciplinarian. i'm reading a decent book, and have another good one in line. i am a student again. i am not the best writer, and that's okay. i'm not the best musician and that's okay. i'm not the best artist and that's okay. i do these things because i want to... not for outside approval or votes.

life is so small, and so fast, and so incredible. it's supposed to be overwhelming. it's supposed to be elusive. it's supposed to hurt a little now and then.

and later, there will be papaya.

Muses and Musings

When I was young I would spend most summer days running around "exploring" the woods and dirt roads throughout my neighborhood in Wakefield. If you lived in the area and had woods on your property, there's a good chance I've climbed one or two of your trees or skipped a rock on your pond. My favorite spots, fortunately, did belong to my own mom and stepdad, so it was no problem spending all the time I liked down by Thompson Creek and in a particularly hilly spot on the far side of Mom's acreage. Now, 30 and in Korea, I'm back to my old tricks. Don't go worrying, Ma; there's plenty of public property for me to explore here... and besides, civilians don't keep weapons in this country. But I digress.

Anyway I have mentioned her before: Mudung Mountain. Although I keep hearing about the amazingly fresh air to be had on top, both times I've gone, either city smog or nearby fires have affected the air quality. A haze lingered in the air and the sky was overcast when I went this past Sunday- with weather just cool enough to make a fair girl forget to put on sunscreen. I was in the company of two new American buddies, Karla and Meika. They took me to a quaint traditional tea house nestled in a rural area of the mountain, only a step off the beaten path (quite well beaten, in fact- the mountain being such a popular destination for locals and tourists alike.) I learned the proper Korean way to serve and enjoy tea; taking only three or four rounds to master the finish-in-3-sips custom.

Then we walked around some small farms and down a curvy two lane road until we reached a popular traditional Korean garden: The kind created with zen in mind... where poets and philosophers have come for centuries to find harmony in their surroundings so that they can better concentrate on their muses and musings. Unfortunately, that well designed tranquil atmosphere has turned into a sideshow, which means you couldn't sit in one spot and clear your mind anywhere inside this garden today any more than you could at your local shopping mall's food court. All the same, it was pretty cool to see the old masonry, bamboo and clay and stones.... actual fire pits built under floors for heating homes. The place was special, and I particularly enjoyed how it did have a general path to follow, but not a strict one- so we were free to run up this hill or play in the stream. I hunted for cool rocks or ancient artifacts... did find two pieces of broken pottery. It's most likely they are from some bowl recently purchased from the local five-and-ten, but I'm holding on to them just in case.

Next we took a short hike to a sweet resting pavilion that was surrounded by good smelling trees and flowers and such. There was one scent in particular I struggled to place that reminded me of home; after it bugged me long enough, I ran around sniffing every leaf in sight- and although I enjoyed that experience and now feel closer to my friend, Sinoun, who's always enjoyed an acute sense of smell, alas, I never could quite place that aroma. But I did discover wild mint, white jasmine, rose stalks, ants marching sideways, wild red berries, sticky grass, and those white flowers with strong stems we would tie end to end to make jewelry with- remember?

I continue to explore the city streets, as well. When I can't sleep or just have time to kill, I will often just follow the roads downtown and see where they lead. At night you can walk along the river that runs between opposing directions of traffic high above (the swishing sounds of cars and bikes blend nicely with the flowing water) and neon lights stand firmly overhead but move excitedly when reflected. Couples hold hands and whisper, friends lean on each other and giggle loudly. Shop keepers prepare for their customers or prepare to go home, depending on the hour and the business. Dirty independent cats dart between buildings... I have yet to see a rat. I find bottles and unwanted old sandals, mirrors, dressers, and coats piled on street corners, waiting to be claimed by one of the old, bent recycling collectors. Citizens of Gwangju are never hesitant to call a curbside a trashcan, so streets are often cluttered and unkept, but night workers do sweep through regularly so that early morning looks a sight better. It works out for us, though, as that it makes it easier to locate interesting alternative canvases. Sooner or later, we're bound to create something awesome.

But for now, I'm satisfied peeking under rocks and smelling trees- soaking in those things that inspire.

reflections on not taking advice and breaking a promise, and also, my muses

my teeth hurt. no, my jaw and head hurt and they know the teeth are to blame, and the teeth feel guilty. i was told 12 years ago i needed my wisdom teeth removed a.s.a.p., and we've come along this far together with no real problems. isn't it just like a tooth to wait until you're in another country to raise it's hand and tell you it's gotta go! but don't worry, i'm buying some pain killer and putting it off a little longer... i really want these guys to reach their fullest potential.

school is going very well. i'm getting positive feedback from the teachers, kids and my boss. i just finished grading my first speeches, and worked through the struggle of precise judgement on them (i am obsessed with fairness in this area)... so it took longer than it should, but i think it was worth it.

i have always been reluctant to become a teacher despite so many people pushing me in that direction- and i still have a lot of reservations about doing this in the states- but i really do dig the job i have here... and that's the most amazing part of this adventure for me. i have never felt this kind of creative freedom, personal connection, and immediate reward when it comes to the work i've done to pay the bills.

i'm meeting and getting to know new people every week: so that keeps me smiling, too. this situation has led me to interact with so many types of people i just normally wouldn't have ever met or put time in with... and i find the opportunity is making me appreciate those things that make us all unique even more than before. what i mean to say is, when forced to make friends outside of one's natural choices, the resulting diversity and new ways of thinking introduced back and forth can lead to some enlightening and unforgettable experiences.

the music is still going, but less frequently now. i mean, i'm still playing once a week for whoever happens to be at the german bar when i go in... sometimes a few people, sometimes a crowd: i am happiest when it's not all foreigners cause americans and canadians just don't offer a girl trying to share pretty songs the kind attention and applause that the koreans do. but i feel kind of guilty for so quickly abandoning my promise to ruby (that's the guitar) that i would play her every day. ***dear kt, insert your poem here*** but i've recently acquired some new music on the mac and feel inspiration slowly coming to a boil inside... so i hope soon i'll be making new songs.

ps- i probably wore out so fast on that promise because i was focusing on finding popular covers to play every day, and that just felt weird after a while.

kevin and i are also both poised to create some fun art as soon as the time feels right: we have the materials and the trash-turned-canvases... you just wait til that moment strikes! it's gonna be awesome.

by the way, i'm so thrilled every day that kevin and i are getting to do this together. i just wouldn't be having half as much fun without him; the boy is gifted at creating smiles.

that about covers things for now.

as a side note, though, let it be known there isn't fear or panic here at all over the tension with north korea (a lot of you have expressed concern).... every one seems confident that it's being resolved level-headedly and will not be the cause of ww3: i don't know if the american media is exploiting the story for ratings and making it sound scarier than it is, but we're all safe and comfortable here.

well, except for those damned teeth.